SO, YOU THINK you’ve just met the perfect boy, girl, man, or woman. Journaling through all the ups and downs at the beginning of a new relationship can help you understand your emotions and keep your head in the process. Journal writing gives you the opportunity to express and clarify your feelings in a safe and private way, as well as celebrate the newness of the connection.

You are probably aware that romantic love usually begins with infatuation and also know its symptoms: You are carried away by love for the other person and can’t stop thinking about him or her. Just thinking about her makes your heart beat more quickly and your face flush. He’s handsome, you share common interests, and sure, you know he has some faults — you just can’t see them yet. You are excited to see her but become unbearably awkward and shy in her presence. When you are away from him, you are miserable and have no appetite.

Bundled together, these feelings are also known as New Relationship Energy (NRE) or the Honeymoon Phase. Falling in love is a wonderful feeling and, if you’re in that phase of a relationship, enjoy it! But it’s also good to enter into any new relationship with intention and understanding.

Here are some journal writing prompts to help you keep your balance:

1.    Write a love poem. It’s okay, make it sappy, silly, fun — whatever you want! The point is to express yourself.

2.    Write down every feeling you have when you think about this person. When have you experienced those feelings before? What memories are attached to those feelings?

3.    In the past, when you had an argument with someone you loved, how did you feel and behave? Is there anything about that behavior that you would like to change for the future? Write about it.

4.    Make a list of all the things you like and admire about the new person in your life. Now, for each of those things, write down its opposite. Pick one or more of the opposite traits and write about how and when that trait is good to have. For example, let’s say you wrote that you like his or her sense of humor. The opposite of that might be seriousness. Write about when it’s beneficial to be serious and when having a sense of humor might be inappropriate or irritating.

5.    Write about how you like to show your love to others, what kinds of things others do that make you feel loved, and how you know when someone cares about you.

6.    Finish the following sentence: In the eyes of my ideal lover, I am …

7.    What does it mean to love yourself and to accept yourself as you are? Are these the same things or different? How? And how does loving and accepting yourself affect your ability to love and accept others?

8.    List the qualities of good communication. Which of these is most important to you and why?

9.    Write a list of all the people in your life you trust (you can include people from your past). What qualities do these people have that makes (or made) you able to trust them?

10.    What is the most important thing you can do to nurture a loving relationship? Think about people you know who are in good relationships. How do they demonstrate this quality/action/trait?

You can also use these writing prompts as conversation starters to get to know each other better.

I invite you to join the conversation. Leave a comment about these prompts or share your own prompts. I look forward to hearing from you!

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Image Credit: Newport Beach Conference and Visitors Bureau

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THIS AFTERNOON, spurred by a blog article in Christina Katz’s e-zine, “The Prosperous Writer,” I pondered the subject of boundaries and all the ways boundaries serve us in life, both professionally and personally. Boundaries are, in essence, the lines that mark where the emotional and physical space of one person ends and another begins. They are invisible borders over which we should not cross without permission. We can have strong, healthy boundaries, weak boundaries, or overly rigid boundaries.

Like any fence, boundaries protect and take care of the “territory,” the Self within. To this end, boundaries delineate our sphere of responsibility and personal space. When we have strong, healthy boundaries, we know our limits; we can say yes or no to others’ requests, based on what we know we are or are not willing to do, and we don’t mind when others say no to us. We have a strong sense of identity and respect for ourselves as individuals. We don’t tolerate disrespect or abuse. We are able to communicate our own needs and feelings clearly, and at the same time, we understand that we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness and success. We stand calm in the storm of demands and sometimes manipulative behaviors of others around us. Healthy boundaries are like friendly, white picket fences between neighbors.

Weak boundaries are more like fences that have fallen down. We once knew, perhaps, where our property lines were, but we’re no longer really sure. We have difficulty saying no to requests, a tendency to over commit to others and then resent that commitment. We get emotionally involved in other people’s business and have a difficult time separating our own issues with those of others. We have trouble saying no for fear of rejection, are people-pleasers, and rarely have time for ourselves. Perhaps we are even wishy-washy, unable to clearly communicate a no or a yes.

Rigid boundaries are like high walls, built as a defense against invasion. People with rigid boundaries often say no reflexively, as a way of avoiding emotional involvement with others and the possibility of hurt or rejection. They rarely ask for help and tend to work in isolation. They may feel that they are the only ones who can do something “the right way” and reject others’ ideas and ways of seeing things.

For most of my life, I had weak boundaries, taking on too much commitment and feeling responsible for others feelings and lives. It has only been over the last ten years that I have been able to develop a clear sense of self and to set healthy limits, clearly delineating my sphere of responsibility.

Healthy boundaries are important to healthy relationships with ourselves, family, friends, and professional relationships. Where do you think your boundaries fall along the spectrum from healthy to rigid? If you recognize that you have overly rigid boundaries, or wish-washy boundaries, what can you do to create healthy ones?

1. Value and respect yourself—your time, your feelings, your desires, wants, and needs. When you value yourself, you will not allow yourself to agree to things that are not in your own best interests, and you will be less open to manipulation by others. When you write in your journal, write about the ways you value and respect yourself and the ways in which you don’t. Explore ways to strengthen your sense of self-worth. What would inspire and excite you? Write about why you deserve to be and do all that you desire to be and do.
2. Set flexible boundaries based on love and compassion, not fear. Both weak and rigid boundaries are based on fear. Weak (or nonexistent) boundaries occur when we fear disapproval so much that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves for others in order to “keep the peace.” We say yes when we should say no. Rigid boundaries occur when we fear hurt, manipulation, or abuse so much that we say no, even when saying yes would be in our own best interests. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are based on respect and love for self and others. We are able to set clear boundaries, and we may also temporarily set those boundaries aside as an act of charity or for a greater common good. Write a short list of three to five clear boundaries you can set, with a sense of compassion for self and others.
3. Define your moral values and refuse to agree to anything that would go against these values. People who have unhealthy boundaries may end up saying yes to things they don’t feel good about doing, things that go against the grain of their moral values. For this reason, it’s important to understand your own values and to respect them as essential boundaries. For example, if you value honesty and a friend asks you to lie for her—and she may even have a compelling reason for her request—respecting your personal values will require you to say no. With healthy boundaries, you will be able to say no clearly and with compassion. Write about times where you’ve crossed the lines of your own boundaries by doing things for others that compromised your personal values. Now, write about times where you’ve held your ground firmly, yet compassionately. What were the end results in each of these situations and how did you feel?
4. Use your feelings to help define your boundaries. Whenever someone makes a request, imagine saying yes and then notice how you feel. Then, imagine saying no and notice how you feel. If, after imagining a yes, you feel warm, a sense of relief, or excitement, then saying yes may be the appropriate answer. If, however, you feel a contraction or tightening in your solar plexus region, a constriction of your chest, or any increased tension, saying yes may not be the correct choice. When you imagine saying no, do you feel relief? Like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders? Then perhaps a no is the right answer. Think about a request that someone is making of you. It could be someone at work, at home, or a request to volunteer your time or money for a good cause. Write about how you feel when you say yes. Then write about how you feel when you say no. Which feels better?
5. Ask others for help when you need it. People who have built the high walls of rigid boundaries often have a difficult time asking for help. People with healthy boundaries recognize that reciprocity and shared responsibility is a part of healthy relationships. When you feel that you don’t have the skills to do something correctly, or feel overwhelmed by a task, asking for help and/or delegating a part of the work may be all that you need to do to restore your boundaries. Write about how it is for you to ask for help. Is it easy or difficult for you? Are you able to ask for help in a balanced way, without attempting to manipulate through guilt? What in your life do you need help with right now?

The old proverb, “Good fences make good neighbors,” has managed to survive centuries for a reason: it holds the truth that well-defined boundaries are good for you and everyone you interact with. This is a subject I will continue to explore and write about in my life, and, if you think you will benefit from doing so, I  encourage you to do the same.

HAVING JUST RETURNED from my oldest son’s wedding in Florida, I’ve been thinking a lot about family this week. Images of the bride’s family and of mine keep flashing through my mind—a grand mix of ethnicity, language, and age. Traditional images of family are turned upside-down when our children and grandchildren are the same age, when brothers and sisters are as old or older than our new parents-in-law, when half-sisters are unknown, and we meet our grandparents for the first time in our thirties. Yet, in this messy and very real mix, the women still prepare food together in the kitchen, comforting arms slap around male shoulders, hands reach lovingly for other hands, smiles connect our hearts to one another’s, and tears fall in a recognizable mix of joy and hope for the future.

I think of my second son, walking in line at Universal Studios. “Moo … moo … baa … baa…,” he mimics, an uncharacteristic tolerance smoothing his brow. “I don’t understand why they think that herding us into a large room where we pretend to be prisoners, and frightening little children through the threat of ‘torture,’ is supposed to be entertaining,” he says, while waiting to be admitted to the Shrek show. I don’t either, and leave the line with the older, and more sensitive, of my two granddaughters who have come to Florida for the wedding. While we wait for the others to emerge from their simulated torture, we buy a soda, have her face painted, and stand in line to talk to a costumed Shrek and Donkey. These, it seems to me, are just as novel pleasures for a little girl.

I think of my oldest son, walking quickly before us in his quest to get to the next attraction, never looking back to see if we have managed to keep up, his stride through the park as focused as his stride through life. My daughter, on the other hand, continuously stops, distracted by a picture-taking opportunity or something to buy, until we shout at her to pay attention. My youngest son, patiently plods along with the rest of us, a half-amused smile curling the corners of his mouth. The difficulty of moving a family group of eleven as one unit through a theme park seems no less daunting than moving that same unit through life. Sometimes we lose each other in the process.

The day of the wedding, when we awake to storm clouds and rain, when the bride-to-be melts down while having her pedicure, because the flowers have already begun to turn brown and her mother couldn’t be with her during her preparations, I am glad to be there to be the voice of comfort and experienced perspective. I know the sun will come out, that friends will fix the flower arrangements with new flowers, and that all will be perfect for the wedding. And, somehow, it is.

I wish that I’d had more time to get to know my new daughter-in-law’s family, but Florida is a long way from California, and it’s not likely that I’ll have that opportunity. At the same time, I miss my ex-daughter-in-law, knowing that though we do our best to stay connected, such connections have a way of parting company when the marriage that began them no longer exists. I wish that my children lived closer to me, so that visiting them and my grandchildren would not be the monumental effort it always seems to be. I wish that my brothers and I were closer, fearing that my children will end up separated from each other by more than distance. But all of these wishes and fears melt away, replaced by the romance of the wedding, when vows are exchanged, and love and hope are held in the palms of our hearts.

I think of the movies that have been made about families—some humorous, some tragic—all laden with the weight of history and obligation. And isn’t it true? We go to our family reunions and gatherings with a multitude of often unnamed feelings, from dread to patience, from tolerated pain to happiness, from distrust to love.

I believe that it’s important to capture these experiences and emotions by putting words to paper (or computer screen). Not to analyze or interpret, but to record and express, to let the reader—even if that reader is only oneself—understand life through our eyes and hearts, something that a movie camera cannot accomplish. Our writing can be kept private, or we may choose to later harvest some of it for memoir or as a fictionalized nugget of character. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the story. What matters is the writing.

So now, I invite you to think about your family. Remember a recent or long-ago gathering. How were you together? How was it to be you in that gathering? Describe the scene, the conversations, and the feelings as they flow through your mind and heart. Then, if you’re so inclined, share your story by pasting it into the comment field below, or post it on your blog and send me the link to post here.

Family—so much meaning stuffed inside such a small word.